Have you ever looked at your child and seen yourself in the mirror? My husband lovingly calls my 6-year-old a “mini-mommy”. She looks like me, talks like me and doesn’t take no for an answer….just like her mom.
The problem with this is that she simply doesn’t always do what we want her to do and she has far too many opinions for her own good. It is very inconvenient for us, the parents. And infuriating at times.
Strong-willed children are a handful, to say the least. And…it is clear to me, that certain children are definitely more strong-willed. My first-born may not want to eat the food I have prepared for dinner, but if I tell her, “Honey, I worked hard on this dinner. Do your best and eat it, ” she will go ahead and eat. My second-born is another story altogether. If I tell her her she needs to go ahead and eat it, she looks at me and says, “No, mom. I am not going to eat it.” Done. She has made up her mind. If I am tucking my third-born in and she is annoyed with the covers, I can usually adjust them and smooth them out and she is fine with that. If my second-born is frustrated with her covers, she refuses to use them. They are banned from her bed. The matter is closed. Even the best attorney could not convince her.
So, what do we do? How do we parent a strong-willed child? Is there a way to get these children to listen, to participate, to respect and to get along in a family? Well, I am still learning this parenting game…so I have a long ways to go. However, I have found a few simple techniques that work quite well with my strong-willed children.
1) Give them control.
Whether you are dealing with a preschooler or school-aged child, handing over control does wonders! Determined children do not like to be commanded or controlled. They want to keep the power. This is not a bad thing. It is how they are wired. One day they will be the principal of the school, the owner of a boutique, the Mayor of the town or the Chief of Police. These kids have what it takes to lead. So, let them start young! Now certainly…within limits. As a parent, decide how much control they can have and allow them freedom within that range to make some choices on their own. They will be thrilled. And you will find yourself more relaxed and less guarded. Here is an example. Your strong-willed 5-year-old wants to dress herself. The problem is she wants to wear a dress-up costume. You are going to church and lunch after and expect her to dress appropriately in normal clothes. In my house, I do not even attempt this battle with my strong-willed child. I have no problem at all letting her wear her costume out. I know these kiddos won’t be doing it forever. And, frankly, they can get away with it at their very cute age. Now, I do put certain limits on it. “Honey, I am fine with you wearing a dress-up costume out out. What a fun idea for today. I am going to go ahead and pick five costumes. You choose the one you want for today.” Inevitably, my very predictable strong-willed child will choose a sixth option. As long as it isn’t batman or a fairy outfit with over-sized wings, I am okay with it. We are communicating and she is very happy because she made the choice on her own. To the personality who wants to be in control, why not give them as much room as we can and let them learn to use their skills at a young age?
2) Give them options.
Giving your child choices is one of the ways to let them have more control. Options do wonders. And again, as a parent you can narrow down every set of options to a parameter of your choice. At snack time, you can say to your strong-willed 7-year-old, “Do you want carrots, yogurt or cheese?” At bedtime you can say to your three-year-old, “Do you want a story or song?” At homework time, you can say to your 9-year-old, “Do you want to do your math, science or reading first?” Instead of commanding them, “Do your homework now,” you are inviting them to decide what they are going to do next. They like this much better than being told what to do. My 2-year-old is very determined. She doesn’t always like to go potty when I ask her to. So, I tell her, “Do you want to go potty now or after dinner?” 100% of the time she wants to wait until after dinner. It’s her choice. If after dinner she still says no, I take her to the bathroom (screaming, of course) and set her down and say, “Honey, you are free to play in the bathroom until you are ready to go potty. When you are ready, just yell and let me know. Say,’Mommy, I’m ready!’ and I will be here to help you. Just let me know whenever you are ready, ok. I love you, sweetie.” I am putting down some specific limits, yet giving her some freedom to decide when she wants to go. It is very freeing. Usually, my willful toddler will take about 3 minutes to calm down (slightly) and sob, “Mommy, I’m ready!”.
3) Enjoy and Encourage
The strong-willed personality can be so challenging to parent. However, remembering that this child is wired to be a powerful leader and very accomplished in his future area of expertise, will help you to appreciate him. Give your child opportunities to use his determination. Let him tackle projects with you, take the lead with chores, put together menus for parties or start a business in the neighborhood. Try to encourage him when he is showing his blatant strong-willed colors, especially when he is using them for good! My 6-year-old is a little work machine. She can empty the dishwasher faster than her father, and always feels so proud to complete this job. I am always thinking about ways I can put her determination to work and I love complimenting her on a job well-done.
Enjoy that strong-willed child of yours and remember…the apple usually doesn’t fall too far from the tree!
Images used under creative commons license – commercial use (11/30/2015) David Salafia (Flickr)
